Reading of St Aelred about his understanding of Friendship, I was made aware of how central this whole notion is to human and spiritual growth. Having a friend, a companion along our spiritual journey is the way most of us come to union with God. For the monk it has all to do with living in a community and having a spiritual father, whether this be the Abbot or another person, with whom one can pour one’s heart with all one’s struggles. It is a matter of being where you can be completely, unabashedly you before God. The Rule of Benedict is said to revolve around chapter seven on humility and what is this but learning to be who we truly are before God and our brother or sister with no cover up, no evasions.

The more I live the monastic life, the more I realize that it has less to do with what I know than with how I live, how I am with my brothers day after day. I can have all the theory in the world but unless I am an example of the love about which the theory has been written, my knowledge becomes just a noisy gong, one more empty set of words.

I feel several books could be written about that first sentence Mike Johnson has given us from Aelred’s treatise on Spiritual Friendship but what is most valuable is to let myself enter into this experience. Aelred says to us: "Here we are, you and I, and I hope a third, Christ, is in our midst. There is no one now to disturb us; there is no one to break in upon our friendly chat, no one’s prattle or noise of any kind will creep into this pleasant solitude. Come now, beloved, open your heart, and pour into these friendly ears whatsoever you will and let us accept gracefully the boon of this place, time, and leisure."

Much could be said or written about the way Aelred experienced Christ being present as he joined a friend in conversation; much could be written about our need to be free of disturbance if we are to enter into such a deep and meaningful communion with another person, the many ways we find ourselves distracted from such an intimate and life-changing encounter. Much could be said about our use of words; the subtle ways they may prevent us from dealing with what is most important in our lives.

Much could be said about our ability to enter into a pleasant solitude so as to actually hear what the other is saying. Much may be said about the art of opening one’s heart to another, the enormous amount of trust it takes in our culture if one is going to be this vulnerable, this naked and free. Much could be said about having perceptive ears that are able to hear not only the words of another but to hear between the lines, what the others most want to share. There is still far more in this paragraph but let touch on two matters, the importance of a listening companion and the transformative power of this sharing and how these relate to the Plan of Life.

First, the importance of a listening companion according to Aelred.
You have heard it said so many times that where two or three are gathered in Christ’s name, there he is in the midst of us. We get use to hearing this or even praying it but what is the saying actually meant to convey? To begin to open your heart to a friend in the effort to share who you truly are is to own yourself before God, it is to discover your Christ-self, the one who he or she truly is as a child of God by reason of his or her baptism. It is also to enter into your own vulnerability where an abundance of grace is most likely to flow, it is to own your own dependence on the love God has for you.

The reason the sacrament of reconciliation has been so powerful for many Catholics is because, in their admission of sinfulness, the tremendous gift of divine grace can flow. Humility opens the gates to the influx of divine life because in it there is no longer any separation between you and God. This has its example, par excellence, in the person of Mary who was looked upon in her nothingness and thus became the Mother of God. When Jesus says that where two are gathered together in His name he is talking about coming together into a holy place, in a spirit of love and trust, in a mutual search for God in their lives. To meet on this level of a common desire to please God is to already please God and even to share in the divine presence.

We live in a highly individualized world, where meeting one’s own needs and becoming independent is greatly esteemed. A rugged individualism is thought to be the Real Self. In seeking God, wanting to become participants of the Divine Life, we must be willing to experience something very different. We must be willing to see just how deeply interdependent and interrelated our lives really are. Each of us has a certain inalienable right, a personal freedom that no one can take from us. At the same time and here we have, I think, the great mystery of the human person; we are equally defined by our ability to relate to the other, especially to God. What St Aelred saw so clearly is that we only become who we are in relationship, in learning to love, in learning to love deeply. He goes so far as to say, rephrasing the first letter of St John that "God is friendship." "For Aelred there can be no conflict between love of our friends and the love of God, since all love is one and has its course in God. The love of neighbor is no derogation (no lessening) of our love of God, but rather is necessary for us if we are truly to love him.

Since the monastery is a school of love there can be no possibility in the monastery of love causing factions. Cupidity can indeed be divisive and false friendships, based on cupidity instead of charity, are even more dangerous for a monk than for people in the world, but true love builds up the community and can only serve to unify, not tear apart." (Douglas Roby) Aelred sees friendship or any serious spiritual companioning as the sure path to God and the discovery of the fullest meaning of human life.

What of friendship’s transformative power. I have already hinted at this in what I’ve said about letting ourselves become vulnerable with another so as to come to know the true self. Real love never fails to undermine the illusion of the false self or the self-centered self. The subtleties of the false self are manifold. Just when you think you are really doing something for God, you notice some hidden agenda for you all know as well as I, there are no short cuts in the spiritual life. It takes a life-time to come to an authentic humility, to the point of living continually by the grace and new life that God gives. Recently a priest psychologist shared with us twelve principles of Attitudinal Healing, a copy of which I’m glad to share with all of you. The first of these principles is that The Essence of our Being is Love.

I’m reminded once again of those beautiful words of St John of the Cross where he says that at the evening of life we will be judged on our loved. Our true identity has all to do with living in a loving openness to the other and to do so as free as possible from self interest. To come to this, as St Aelred knew very well, we must go through a slow and often long process of purification or inner transformation. What a spiritual companion does is encourage us along this journey. He or she keeps reminding us or showing us the path, strengthening us in patience and the willingness to endure whatever hardships may appear along the way. It is here, it seems to me, that we find the transformative power of spiritual companioning or friendship.

The PLAN OF LIFE: Many of you have already had experience of what I am talking about. This retreat has helped you to focus on the value of another to strengthen you in your desire for God. The Plan of Life provides an easy reference for both the journey and its destiny. It summarizes the Cistercian charism as it is to be live out in the world, in ups and downs of your everyday lives. During this retreat Mike Johnson has suggested a number of “Questions for Reflections.” While not touching on the many tools outlined in the Plan of Life, they have allowed you to look closely at some central values of being Lay Cistercians.

They have encouraged you to take a careful look at your prayer life, what is happening there, at your use of Scriptures, at being in touch with your thoughts and feelings as these arise. To focus in on these with a spiritual companion, a friend in your desire for God, is to allow yourself room for the movement of the Spirit, opening yourself to the transformative power of Christ’s Spirit. It is good to review your living the Plan on your won but doubly valuable to review it with another of similar interest. It is in this way, it seems to me, that our Cistercian charism will become fully alive for you.

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1On Spiritual Friendship – Aelred of Rievaulx. Cistercian Fathers Series; Cistercian Publications, Inc., 1974


Michael Casagram, OCSO
Abbey of Gethsemani
Lay Cistercians of Gethsemani Annual Retreat, “Walking With Another On the Journey”
September 30, 2007