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Some Eucharistic Meditations
From
Joe Gentilini's personal journal entries.
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10-23-71 (7 a.m.) Gethsemani
While on a retreat to Gethsemani I wrote my first meditation on the Eucharist.
I have just participated at Mass with the monks of Gethsemani. As I sat there at
Mass, I was cold and conscious of being cold. I was the only layman in the group
and conscious of that too. No exciting emotion, no ecstatic feeling, no real
sense of unity. I'm tired which tends to inhibit this feelings or sense in me.
But each time I attend Mass, each time I participate in the Eucharist, I see
what I believe in -- the unity of all men, of all nature, in Christ. On the
paten at the Offertory, I offer all of my being, offer myself as much as I'm
able along with all the people dear to me… This morning with more awareness than
before I offered my job, my boss, the people I try to help, my hangups, my
psychological quirks, my car -- all those things that make up my life. In the
same turn, I placed and mixed my fears, my despair, my tears, my joys, my trying
to work things out, my intangible spirit to the Father, in the chalice. I not
only offer bread and wine to the Father; I offer everything or should I say that
the bread and wine are symbols of these realities. I've known, believed in this
before, but this morning the awareness went further. After the Consecration, as
the priest lifted the Body and Blood up for all the people. I could not help
believe and be aware of the fact that the Father had transformed all my
intentions, my job, my fears, my joys, my tears, my hangups -- transformed them
into His Son's Body and Blood, into Life for me. Then as I partake of the Body
and Blood, as I partake of these symbols I am really partaking of all that I
offered. I am saying 'yes' to them, eating them, making them a part of my being.
I am, indeed, accepting my own cross -- my cross not of sufferings, problems,
joys or fulfillments of my own choosing, but those that have been thrust upon
me. By participating in the Eucharist I unite myself, with deeper intensity,
deeper awareness, with all men, all things, all being, with God Himself, in,
through, and with the God-Man. All this is my cross, my suffering, but by
accepting it all, dealing with it all, grappling with it all, I believe that I
shall be saved; I shall live forever with the God that has seen fit to form a
covenant with me and with the God that I try, in my own failing small way to
respond to. That is all very frightening because by participating in the
Eucharist, I am saying 'yes' to dealing with my problems, with my job, with
those people depending upon me -- I am saying 'yes'' to giving them all my
fullest. Indeed: ...a person who eats and drinks without recognizing the Body is
eating and drinking his own condemnation. (I Cor. 24)
[These are several writings before the Blessed Sacrament at the St. Thomas More
Newman Center at the Ohio State University. I didn’t use inclusive language
mainly because it never dawned on me to do so; it wasn’t as much of an issue as
it was then. I apologize for this.]
Tonight I sit before the Blessed Sacrament alone with Jesus. And what do I think
of? I think of Jesus present before me in some special way and yet present
within me, too, in a special way. The Eucharist, the Blessed Sacrament, is the
Body of Christ. And somehow, I and all men (and women) are incorporated within
that Body, within this Eucharist. The hosts are symbolic of us and Christ. They
contain that which they symbolize. It is the Body of Christ and we are part of
that Body. We are the extension of Christ in the World.
Christ told us to pray to God and to address Him as "Our Father". Jesus shared
with us on this holy night long ago, His Body. He shared His Life as food and
drink for us, telling us to eat and drink of Him -- to live forever. If men and
women are truly a part of that Body, if they are truly a part of this Eucharist,
if they are truly my brothers and sisters in Jesus, then how can I hurt them,
manipulate them, use them for my selfish purposes and to their detriment? When I
do, I am using, hurting, manipulating Christ and myself because I believe that
Jesus lives, and moves, and loves in MAN, and I am a part of every man. It is
hard to see how I can be anything but a pacifist or a nonviolent person. It is
hard to see how I can hurt others, how I can use and hurt myself if we are all
so lovable that the Father-God has made us His Sons in Jesus and shares His Life
-- Divine Life -- with us.
What a responsibility we have to and for each other -- to help to free men from
their prisons, whether internal or external, whether physical, social, mental,
emotional, spiritual, or financial. How responsible we are for the poor, the
sick, the suffering, those in the institutions, those outcasts of the society.
We are responsible for improving their conditions and helping to make these
individuals more able to live as human beings should live. These are my brothers
and sisters, these are a part of the Body of Christ. These are a part of the
Eucharist in which I partake. We are the Body of Christ in the World and Jesus
lives in us. We must learn to live and love as He did for we, the Church, are
the extension of the Incarnation.
---
If God is the Father, Our Father, as Jesus taught, slow to anger and rich in
mercy; if He is the Father, Our Father, who is compassionate, good, fair to all,
and understanding of our deepest innermost processes and beings; if He shares
His life with us and continues to live in us, then what do we worry about -- the
struggle we put ourselves through is needless because Christ has won the battle.
We can live our lives, in love, doing the best we can. We can live in freedom
before and with the OTHER.
If Jesus truly reflected God accurately, and I believe He did, then we are
really free -- free to search for God everywhere, free to love, free to live,
free to grow, free to make mistakes, free to miss our perfectionistic standards,
free to sin if we choose but also free to ask and to receive forgiveness. We can
do this and it is okay because we are okay to the Father -- a compassionate
person who is FOR us. This is so wonderful and mind-blowing that it is almost
too hard to believe.
Help me, Jesus, to believe in Your God who is so Good!!!
---
God is not standing over our shoulders looking for every sin we commit. No, he
is a Father, standing before us, behind us, and in us, loving us and looking for
love in return.
6-13-76 5:45 P.M. (At Gethsemani)
Another thing today too: The Eucharist. I am aware again today of how the
Eucharist is one way that I can unify all the different elements of my life, all
the conflicts and seeming contradictions. In the Eucharist I can present it all,
present myself to the Father; I can unite myself with Jesus, offering my whole
"world" to God. Then after Consecration of the symbols of bread and wine, I am
aware that the Father has transformed my "world", transformed all my conflicts,
feelings, ideas, transformed me into His Son. He shares His Divinity, His very
life-essence with me and I become united in a mystical way with Jesus. In a
sense I become part of the God-Man. I share divine life. I become divine in a
way without losing my humanity. I can't say I become God because of course I
don't but I become so united with Christ that I become more aware that I am part
of His body in this world. I become a sacrament, a reflection of His love, a
witness to others of His goodness.
Now, ever other person does too. Each of us participating in that Eucharist, all
men everywhere are united as one. We are one in the God-Man before the Father
and His life, the Spirit, moves and grows within our being. The Eucharist is a
real unifying force in my life. I am okay. That's a thought too. If all that I
have written above it true, then how can I legitimately tear myself down, hate
myself, berate myself? If I do I tear down the body, I hurt the total organism.
In a mystical way, I hurt others and hinder the work of the Spirit who lives
within us. Why? Because we are designed to grow, to mature, to be witnesses to
each other of God and His goodness and Mercy. If I don't like myself, if I
berate myself, I can be no witness. I hinder the Spirit and His work of building
up the Body of Christ.
6-24-1983 8:15 p.m (At Gethsemani)
Without the Eucharist, I think I would die.
(later)
It frightens me a bit as I write this but as I read the different passages and
books here at Gethsemani on mysticism and I reflect on many of my past journal
entries, I have to believe that I have had some mystical insights and/or I am
graced with at least the entrance to mysticism. I have experienced God as Father
and I as Son. I have, at times, experienced myself as One with Jesus. I have
also experienced detachment in my life, anguish, etc., in which I turned to God,
to Jesus in the Eucharist, and united myself to the Cross. I have had
experiences of being united with God, nature, man, and myself. I am a little
afraid to put that down because it may sound as if I'm "blowing my own horn" but
all I want to do is make the observations. It has happened, I think, even before
I had words for it.
I'm also aware that I long for "an experience." I long to be a monk, etc., and I
don't think that that is going to happen. I suspect my spiritual life is going
to be a hidden life, like St. Joseph's. My sanctity, my spirituality (maybe even
my salvation) will be very hidden, very ordinary. However it is, I want to be a
saint, to be meshed with the Being of God. I can't make that happen. All I can
do is to be open to God should He call me. Have mercy on my soul.
I am also very much aware of my failures, my sins, my missing the mark. Forgive
me, my God.
10-19-2004
I had an experience giving Communion as a Eucharistic Minister this past
Saturday evening at Mass. It has been several years since the last “experience”
and the experience this time was fleeting, but still very powerful for me. I was
giving the consecrated hosts to each person as they stood in line, saying the
words, “The Body of Christ.” They would put their hands out, palms up, and I
would place the host on one of the palms. As this was occurring, I reflected for
a moment what I was actually doing. My voice cracked up and broke for the next
few communicants. It was a powerful experience.
5-6-2002
Today, 46 years ago, I made my First Holy Communion. I am thankful that I have
been given the gift of Jesus in the Eucharist and, by extension, the whole
universe in the Cosmic Christ. Listening to Ray and Lenny over the weekend and
Joe M the week before express their anger at the Church and their alienation
from it makes me sad. I was there once but I don't want to live without the
Eucharist.
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